Enough

I have been really tired the last few mornings and I think it may be related to the medication I'm taking, or just that I've been doing more than usual and my body recognizes the new activity. I like the afternoon energy. I like that I got to go to Great America several weeks ago and I like that I went to the Giants game the other night where there was a lot of walking and stair-climbing. Shopping still wears me out, but that could be mental as well as physical because I should be saving, not spending, right now.

Getting a balance for the medicine is tricky, but I think that once the very slight stomach discomfort subsides, it's a good combination. Being willing to trust the doctors is also a big step, especially if one has tried to rely on healing from within. Honestly, though, there are just some things that are actually structural or genetic and the proof is in the MRIs or bone scans or whatever diagnositics validate the problem. Arthritis in my feet -- bone on bone -- is fact. Blown discs are fact. So stepping out in faith that the medication is what is needed is a positive choice in the right direction. And it may well contain the progression. I am hopeful.

That said, life is good. Family is healthy, soccer is underway, the holidays approach and I have enough.

Tooth Fairy's Last First Visit

Well, today my youngest grandchild Jace, lost his first tooth. He is excited in anticipation of his very first ever visit from the tooth fairy. It also marks the last first visit for my grandkids. I remember the butterflies in my stomach the first time I placed a lost tooth under my pillow, and I remember the joy the next morning when I found a coin had been left in exchange for my tooth.

There is something special in the faith of a young child in things unseen and we are able to be refreshed by their faith if we are willing.

I am so thankful for my granchildren -- they light me up and fill my heart with joy.

World Changing News

Literally, world changing news has just been reported that Osama Bin Laden has been killed by U.S. Special Forces in Pakistan and that his body is in the custody of the United States. I wrote to my daughters that I am puzzled by my reaction to this breathtaking news -- not elation or excitement, but certainly a feeling of justice denied-- now satisfied. I will never forget exactly what went through my mind on September 11, 2001 when Lisa called to wake me to the news that a tower of the World Trade Center in New York had been hit by an airplane.

Haley and Sydney were nearly newborns -- Haley was almost 6 months old, Sydney was just past 3 months. Morgan was just 8. I mourned the loss of innocence in our country and the fact that they would never know the America their parents had known. Nothing would ever be the same in America, though we would survive. My feelings remain the same to this day. I watch my daughters and their husbands never taking their eyes off their children, always on guard for something out of place, vigilant to protect them. They are realists. I remain a dreamer.

I envision a place where everyone is safe, where children can be children and that nobody takes away their innocence. I envision a country that is independent of the need to police the world and gets back to the values and visions of our founding fathers. I envision world peace. I envision love and hugs and joy and satisfaction and yes, innocence again.

Gratitude fills my heart for the servicemen and women who enlisted because Osama Bin Laden killed thousands of Americans and many thousands more people around the world. Many died in the wars, and many continue to fight. They can now rest in peace or continue their committment knowing their sacrifice has been worth something. I am grateful that our President had the courage and the internal conviction to follow through on a campaign promise to prioritize the efforts in the war on terrorism. Perhaps we can get past the politics this time and recognize in unity that good has been done.

Sometimes the news is good news. This is some of the best news I've heard in nearly ten years.

It was a nightmare. The whole situation shot home like a bullet the fact that I am older and cannot do a simple thing like rescue my dog. Joey got out of the yard and was wandering up and down between the four houses but down along the creek bank. Eventually he got himself trapped in a bush and Guy was very close to him, but Joey wouldn't come to Guy. Guy was laying across the gabion. It was probably 30 degrees outside and very dark. The creek must have been so so cold.

When I called their house, I really just wanted Jen to come over and knock on the neighbors' doors to tell them about Joey. She wasn't home. Of course Joey didn't have his collar on so that was weighing heavily on me. He did, however, have on the bark collar, so he was quiet. That is, until Guy actually went into the creek and got him. It was horrible. The sounds coming from Joey were excrutiatingly painful and unnerving. It was just a little glimpse into hell for me. Here I am up on top of the bank unable to do anything to help. At one point I told Guy to let him go and just come up. The sound was too much. This ordeal was almost two hours.

Owen was very very sweet in comforting me and reassuring me that his dad can get Joey, don't worry, Gram. He held the flashlight and softly called to Joey. Very sweet.

Anyway, when all was said and done, I put Joey's prong collar on him and got him into the bathtub. He let me wash him and pull out many of the nettles -- the kind that are thick and bark-like, with swordfish like protrusions. He was full of them. They hurt. He even let me dry him a little bit. It would have taken an hour with the blow dryer so I just got most of the deep wet off him and put him to bed.

I'm going now to buy two or three X-Pens to put across the deck railings. They are 42" high, 16' long. That's what I should have done three weeks ago and I am really upset with myself that this was my fault for not doing it. I'm sure Guy's knee is much worse today -- I truly didn't want him to go down there. I don't know what else could have been done once Joey was trapped. It was brutal. Anyway, its over now.

Little setbacks are just little setbacks

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. (Who said that?) Sometimes a little hand surgery is just a little hand surgery. It just ain't no big thing. Anticipation was much harder than the reality. Stitches come out today and my trigger finger seems to be functioning perfectly. Thanks to TV dinners and a night out with friends, meals were easier than expected and the rest was good.

I can't wait to see the surgery center fees. I'm guessing around $10k. But for the money, along with a successful surgery, I did get an unbelievable ugly and huge amount of bruising and swelling in my left hand from multiple attempts to start an IV. Finally on try #4, I crossed myself and the nurse who was puncturing me agreed that maybe God could help. So she finally got an IV started near the inside crease of my left elbow, exactly where the blood pressure cuff was supposed to go during the surgery. She also placed my "Allergic to" tapes on my left wrist.

My anesthesiologist had a hissy fit when he saw it all. He literally pulled off the "Allergy" tapes because he had to monitor my blood pressure at the wrist. Frankly, I liked it much better. I don't know how accurate it is being done that way, but it barely hurt. Except, of course, for the additional trauma to the left hand which now is bruised the colors of purple, violet, green, brown .....lovely. So if that's the worst of it, excellent.

Now on to things that my right hand can do most effectively. Freedom from pain and limited use, I shall arise to greater heights. Maybe I'll even polish my nails.

Welcome 2011

Wow, it seems a long time since I've posted. Christmas has come and gone and the New Year has arrived. December was a good month -- I got to spend time with special people, see Christmas programs for all four of my young grandkids, have lunch with some great friends and get reacquainted with my best friend from high school and his wonderful wife. My family was generous to me and filled my Christmas with wonder and joy.

My youngest grandchild, Jace, turned 7 on December 19th. His birthday was a buzz of excitement so close to Christmas. Haley played soccer in a monstrous storm and Jace got to stay at home, warm and dry. A few of us celebrated at his house with an upside down dinner: dessert was first, with dinner to follow at Jace's favorite restaurant, Paesano's. He loved his gifts and was very sweet and thankful. I can't believe he, the youngest, is seven. After so many years of waiting for grandparenthood, how quickly the time is flying by. Birthdays are reminders that you have to make hay while the sun shines, whatever that means.

I'm looking ahead to a future of hope, strength, courage, faith and comfort. Oh, and for world peace.

Today is the day before Joey's birthday. He will be four tomorrow. He was born exactly on the day Little Ms Murphy died, and I found him in Elk Grove, just as I found Murphy. It is storming tonight, just as it was the night before he was born. His first two years were rough: he has mellowed so much and is a wonderful companion for me. I think he is unsually calm for a cocker spaniel but I think he has adapted to my less active days. He isn't getting fat, so he gets enough exercise chasing raccoons, squirrels and birds in the backyard. He is very different from Murphy. They couldn't be more different. Yet Murphy did and Joey does bring motivation to my day, warmth to my heart and comfort to my soul. Happy birthday, Joe Cocker. May you live long and well. May you have a wonderful life. May we continue to be just what the other needs. My heart is thankful.

Counting my blessings

I guess nesting isn't exclusive to expectant mothers. I am trying to get everything cleaned up and in order, probably because I am feeling much stronger and energized. I power-washed the brick walkway to the house and now will get some sand to sweep between the bricks to stabilize them. I have hired a painter to get the rest of the inside done before Thanksgiving. Those two things are major in that I have wanted to get them done for at least a year. Nothing like a fresh coat of paint to brighten up the house. Just like a fresh new day to brighten my mood. I have food on my table, my house is warm, my friends are close and my family members are healthy. I'm counting my blessings..... which are too many to even realize. Life is good.

Remembering

"Shut out the rest of the world and relive some special moment from your life. A moment when time slowed....when magic seemed real...when you were thinking, 'this must be a dream'. Dream it again. Recall it over and over. Don't worry -- happy memories never wear out." Anonymous

I am blessed with so many memories like this. It's interesting that I couldn't even enumerate them if I had to do so. This quote is a reminder to me, when I'm feeling a bit harried, or scattered, or weak or discontent, that God has blessed me in my life more than I could ever have asked, more than I could ever have dreamed. Dreaming something again keeps it at the forefront of my mind and nourishes me through the day. Memory is nothing to take for granted. Work it, use it, revive it and appreciate it.

Remembering is a gift.

Happy happy birthday, baby

My baby Jennifer is 40 years old today. We have been having some amazing weather in Pacifica and San Francisco this week -- just like the several days before she was born. I was so uncomfortable -- edema, too much weight gain, pregnant and overdue. It was a beautiful afternoon, so Jim grilled some steaks and we had baked potatoes and salad for dinner. I called the doctor and he told me to have a glass of red wine: maybe the contractions would stop. I did, and they didn't. So off we went to San Francisco for a pretty easy natural delivery (only because the anesthetic didn't work) and Jennifer was born in the wee hours of September 28th. Such was the beginning of changes in our lives that we could never have imagined. I'm so proud of Jen and the woman she is. So, happy happy birthday, sweet child o' mine.

Last Grandparents' Day Celebration at School

I grabbed this photo from my daughter's blog page -- it just kind of says it all about Jace. It was taken when he played baseball this summer and got to play catcher. I used to think Jace would need a helmet to get through life, but he seems to have learned how to land better when he crashes!

So, today - with mixed emotions - I graduated from attending Grandparents' Day celebrations for my grandchildren. Jace is the youngest and his event was today. I so loved seeing him in his classroom and watching him take care of us by getting chairs, carrying the game out to the picnic yard and serving us our lunches. Afterwards we returned to the classroom to complete with him an art project the teacher will be sending home later.

There is a huge difference between Kindergarten and First Grade. Jace has matured a lot over the summer and he is somewhat timid in the group setting. The look of relief when we made eye contact was so cute. He was so very sweet, and I have memories from today I will cherish. How fortunate I am to have been there today and to be able to spend so much time with my distant grandkids, as well as those at home.

I am blessed beyond measure when each and all of them give me giant hugs, draw pictures or make cards for me, sing songs or play music for me, eat 3 servings of pasta for me, and best of all, love me to the moon and stars and more.

God is good -- all is right with my world tonight. I have enjoyed and treasured this day.

Future challenges

I had lunch yesterday with a friend who has Parkinson's. He is 60 years old and was diagnosed ten years ago. We had a good time -- laughter and concern was a big part of our time together. He has a wonderful way of looking at life with sort of "gallows humor," my favorite kind. It is fascinating to me to listen as he expresses questions and as he faces a somewhat known future, hoping to get information about how to plan better and more accurately for what lies ahead. He is in the unique position of having no choice but to prepare. He is a man of faith and so I know he will rely on God for strength and help. He has a large family for support emotionally and physically.

I wonder how differently I would live my life if I prepared for what comes my way, instead of responding with typical "deer in the headlights" surprise.

Note to self -- no paper trail

This morning my daughter Lisa was a guest on "Good Morning Sacramento" for a segment filmed at her home. It was about organizational tips for busy Moms. The host of the segment was also named Lisa. The featured guest was Kelli Wilson, an organizational expert who has just released a book on the subject of helping Moms get organized and helping them learn to let go of things that have neither a place in their lives nor in their hearts. Her approach is mental, physical and spiritual. I got to be there for moral support and I thought she was right on target. Lisa's home is beautiful, yet she expresses concern about keeping organized, as do we all.

While listening to Kelli offering supportive advice, both on the air and off, I was startled by the realization that I know all the secrets and I know all the self-examination that is involved. I also realize I have chosen to stagnate in certain areas of my life, including holding on to things that no longer have relevance in my life. I'm not talking about 'things' with genuine sentimental value -- I believe those things are important to maintain continuity between from where I came to where I am going. But there are many superfluous objects that do nothing more than clog my house, my mind and my energy. And when I am no longer here and my daughters have to go through every single piece of paper to be sure there is nothing of value, they will be frustrated by the process and confused at the need to do it.

So my additional challenge will be to start getting through it -- start clearing the way -- start making room for those things in my life that are meant to be with me to allow me to become the person I'm supposed to be.

Note to self: It's never too late to reinvent yourself or your circumstances. Learn to live in the present by first looking back, purging what is of no value, and look forward to the joy and happiness of starting each morning with fresh energy and motivation. Get rid of paper reminders and downsize paper clutter, including magazines, old bills, coupons, idea sheets, recipes and everything else that can be available on-line or in some other form instead of paper. Eliminating a paper trail (or evidence and reminders of past mistakes) will clear the path to independence from material constraints. Lofty goal. Not impossible.

Remembering is a beautiful thing

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of two very special people who left our family on this day, August 12, four years ago and one year ago. Remembering those actual days is painful; remembering who they were is beautiful. I know it can take a lifetime to appreciate all that someone has been in our lives, and even though they are gone, we can continue to learn from them.

I have lived long enough to realize that there are more family members behind me than in front of me. But those who are here provide what I am supposed to have. Every single day I think about how much family means to me. Some days I might feel aggravation; some days I might feel elation. But all days I feel gratitude and love.

It is impossible to perceive how anyone can survive in this world without the love of family and the continuity of memories and experiences. Whether those memories are good or not so good, to me the prospect of having no memories is a catastrophic prospect. There is a quote that goes something like, "God gave us memories so we might have roses in December."

Thank you Bob Derby and Judy Roque for the memories you have left for us to cherish. They help us live, laugh and love. Today.

The sun will come out tomorrow....

I was given two tickets to see "Annie" at the San Mateo Performing Arts Center. Sydney and I went today. What a stellar cast. The lead was an 11 year old (entering 6th grade in the fall) and she was nothing less than fantastic. She's been acting and singing for a few years and is very comfortable on the stage. She emanates confidence and pleasure in doing her role. Kids don't know so much about being afraid or to worry about criticism. There is such sweetness and innocence about them.

Of course the repeating theme is positive thinking. In the play, Annie even teaches that principle to FDR. Its a great way to think: the sun will come out tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a different day. No matter what is going on. You only have to (or get to) experience this day right now. And it has to be experienced fully, for it will never come again.

My first grandson Owen (pictured above) turns 7 tomorrow. He is so smart, so enthusiastic about life. He knows how to live in the moment. I learn from him. Grab the moments. They make up the days.

Happy Birthday, Daddy

Today marks the 100th anniversary of my father's birth. I will celebrate 65 years this October. How much the world has changed since he died at the age of 80. My life has certainly changed -- I'm divorced, retired and an orphan. My sister's profile would state the same.

My daughters are mothers and my grandchildren are thriving, beautiful people. Jennifer was 20 when Grand-Dad died, still in college and wondering what her life would be like. Lisa was 23 and working in a job where she would meet her future husband. So the twenty intervening years have been rich with change, filled with mystery and wonder. He would have loved all the grandkids, but would especially have gotten a kick out of the sense of humor each of them displays. Humor was my Dad's nourishment. And he would have loved their physical abilities, courage and intellect. Thanks for being born. I miss you still.

Remembering with Hope

Today marks the 11th Relay for Life in Pacifica. My friend Zoe was involved from Year #1, and after she lost her battle with breast cancer 2 years later, her family (mother, 3 sisters, 3 nieces) have carried on the effort in her memory and in the memory of and to honor far too many family members and friends. I doubt I know a single person who has not been touched in some way by this horrific disease. One year I counted those my family has lost to cancer, and I stopped myself because the number was far too overwhelming. And I'm not alone in this reality. We all grieve for the loss of those who are gone too soon.

My participation in the event is much less than it was, but I do try to get there each year for at least part of the weekend to support my friends and to reflect for a time and then to look forward to the day when we will walk no more -- cancer will be conquered and eradicated from the earth. People will read about it in history books and it will no longer be a household word. Where is our 'Jonas Salk' for a cancer vaccine?

The Pacifica Relay has in the previous 10 years raised over $1-million for cancer research. The dollars may have been raised a little bit here, a little bit there -- baby steps. But nevertheless, the finish line is reachable, whether you crawl, or walk or run. Believe in Hope. And know that every step toward the goal is as important as the last one. Get your mammograms and colonoscopies, quit smoking, eat more nutritiously, live well and laugh often, and most of all, love.

DId you ever just KNOW something special was about to happen?

In the life of a grandmother, there are many wonderful and amazing moments every time she can be a part of her grandchildren's lives. Looking at their beautiful faces and listening to all their wonderful conversations, watching them develop and grow through no contribution of my own, I am a grandmother of vast pride. I am proud of the children, and I am proud of their parents. Children with confidence and pride are not born, they are nurtured. Children who work hard and continue to work hard in the face of disappointment are not born, they are nurtured.

One of my life's little treasures is being present to see my grandchildren achieve success in what they desire. It can be a completed perfect spelling test, a confident performance at a school variety show, making a beautiful handmade card for someone they love, a triple in a baseball game that brings home 3 runners, scoring 5 goals in a soccer game, a trip away from home to camp for a week with new friends to be made. Or, it can be a soccer game where one of them succeeds to her heart's most lofty intention -- scoring a goal that ties the game -- seeing her own hard work come to fruition at a special moment.

And sometimes, a grandmother just "knows" something special is going to happen. All she has to do is pay attention every day to the little miracles around her and expect to find beauty, courage and success by living in the moment. Wow. I'm so blessed.

Dog is God spelled backwards

I admit it: I'm obsessive about my dog, Joey. Some people tease me by telling me that I treat him like a person. Like, when he's sick, I take him to the doctor. Like, when he's hungry, I get him some food. Like, when he needs water, I get water for him. I like to spend time with Joey. He is my buddy, and he shares my day.

Evidently he likes to share much more. Yesterday he managed to get to some medication I dropped before I could pick it up. Poison control advised immediate attention at the veterinary hospital. I won't go into it, but Joey went through a terrible ordeal over the next 24 hours involving charcoal, epicac and needles. The ordeal didn't end when we got home. My awareness that my back issues prevent me from taking care of Joey under some circumstances hit home yesterday. I was feeling quite overwhelmed with the notion of administering more of this charcoal solution at 11:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m. the next morning. Lifting him is one thing; controlling his strength is another.

The old saying "Dog is God spelled backwards" went through my mind, and I thought, well, God loves this dog as much as I do and He will provide what is needed for Joey's care. And he did in the form of Sue, a person who just happened to be at the vet's office when I picked Joey up and was perfectly able to give Joey his medication by coming to the house at 11:00 p.m. And so I believe that old saying, more now than ever before. And I believe that God listens when we call and opens our hearts to hear and accept His solutions. My grateful heart and my grateful dog say Thanks.

Forty-three isn't old if you're a tree

And 43 isn't old if you are my oldest daughter. Remembering this day in 1967 -- Lisa's birth -- brings wondrous happy memories. I was 21 years old and thought I knew it all. In fact, I knew very little. And wouldn't you know it? All these years later, Lisa is right more often than I am. (Could it be I set her up? I'd like to think so, but the truth is she is really smart.) She grabbed ahold of my heart from the very first moment and my life was forever changed. In a good way. In a blessed way. In the right way. Thank God for sending her, exactly as she was and is. Love you, little one.