Here a pill, there a pill, everywhere a pill pill

My insurance company recently converted my prescription processing to refills by mail, with a daunting 90-day supply of each medication for only $10 each. They do this with "maintenance" drugs (the ones that you take every day to stay healthy or alive), so while it is very economical and efficient to do this, it may be kind of critical to keep track of everything. With the final acknowledgement of a few concentration issues, this process overwhelms me.

Since living in California means the constant possibility of earthquakes, and being the fine citizen that I am who listens to the experts, I finally decided about 2 months ago that I should have emergency supplies of my meds. So I have some in my car (with the requisite changes of undies, peanut butter, bottles of water and dog food for Joey), some in my place at Elk Grove, and some here.

The refill notice came the other day and when I noticed the refills would happen on July 13th, I counted my remaining supply and panicked, having forgotten about my stashes. Of course the call to the insurance company left me feeling like a junkie, having been interrogated and reprimanded for not keeping better track of my pills. Hell, I can't even keep track of my glasses (on top of my head). This is a huge responsibility for someone like me. After painstaking searching, I managed to account for all the medication I should have. But same lesson comes through -- its all about focus. Pay attention. Live today. Be here now. And it might not hurt to ask St. Anthony for a little help.

Meltdowns aren't just for kids anymore

Meldowns aren't just for kids anymore -- sometimes freezers and women have them too.

Plans for a simple, quiet weekend were altered when on Saturday morning, after returning from the Memorial Service for a friend, I found my freezer failed. Of course I had a boatload of frozen food (first time in years) and moved it over to the refrigerator side in hopes of salvaging most of it. Lo and behold, when you have a side-by-side, when one side goes, so does the other. A friend stopped by and checked it out. He suggested I consider a new fridge, after I had called a service company and gotten an estimate of between $300-$400 to possibly get it repaired. I discovered this early enough in the day to run to the nearest home improvement store and get a good deal on a replacement, for delivery on Sunday. That was a great stroke of luck. By the time I got home, all the food was room temperature, so into the trash it went. This is just life, but my fridge was only 7 years old. The one I'd had before lasted 17 years. Huh.

Next came attempted installation of a used replacement microwave, which didn't work out. The mounting bracket couldn't be adapted to fit. Back to the home improvement store to buy a new microwave. In every respect it made sense to get a brand new one with all the latest technology and possible longevity. It was installed post-haste and by late afternoon I could microwave popcorn! Whew! Thanks to Guy, all is well in the microwave department.

By that afternoon, I was blown out. Stress was building, pain was exhausting and there was too much chaos happening around me. I had lost all patience with myself and everyone around me. Sadness was a part of it, having learned on Saturday that my cousin Mary is in the final stages of her cancer. I had hoped to see her, but I completely understand that she has chosen privacy for this time in her life. There is no more time for silly recollections nor catching up on the past 15 years....just time for Mary to find peace. Mary is the youngest of my Aunt Minnie's children and 10 years older than me. Enter the reality that our days are numbered. Again, the same old refrain -- be here now.

After apologizing for my meltdown (just tearful inability to speak), all is better. Understanding and compassion is all I needed that afternoon. And it was there for me. A hug from a couple of friends, and a kind word of understanding, and life is good again. I'm ready to face the day. I slept all night, and the sun is shining brightly. Perfection!

I posted this card on my facebook to celebrate the first day of summer. In my town, summer is often bleak and gray. Lately the sun has been playing hide & seek behind the fog. The beach was loaded on Saturday with surfers in wetsuits who don't care about the sunshine, just the waves. Some days no waves come along; other days, the waves break too late and there is no ride at all. Back to the same old idea: roll with it.

Okay, so, the last few days have been challenging. A trip to the surgeon produced little encouraging information, but there will be another MRI of my spine to see if anything has changed. He doesn't think that based on the kind of pain I have, surgery would be helpful enough to outweigh the possible risks of surgery. But further evaluation will tell. This just may be something that will have to be managed with medication and mild exercise, such as walking, along with 3 or 4 epidural injections a year. I am trying to get my head around this information but have not done so as yet. ;-) On the upside, my personal challenge is producing good results. I have waivered very little and am proud of myself for this commitment. Another ;-) for me.

Recycling

Traveling back and forth is kind of fun. When I get to Pacifica, there is always a ton of recycling in my real mailbox. When I get to Margaritaville, there is never much mail at all except for newspaper advertisements, and into the recycling basket they go. So as I'm opening mail and tossing envelopes into the Recycle stash, I wonder sometimes if the traveling back and forth using gas and oil sort of obliterates the benefit of recycling the paper. It may be no more than a tiny step in the right direction, but it is a step. Baby steps, baby steps. And I think that taking those steps with honorable intentions has got to be a positive thing. Obviously this relates to a bigger picture. But I know what it means, and that is more than a baby step. Its a leap!

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. That's just the way life is.

I admit to myself how lucky I am that my physical issues only involve pain and not anything life-threatening. Both my Mom and Dad had osteo-arthritis in their backs and endured pain from which there was no relief from medication available at the time. Both were diagnosed early in their lives in their mid-30's. To have reached the ripe old age of 64 before it really began to be constant makes me fortunate.

There was a little episode yesterday while the grandkids and I were making cards, after a really good few hours of laughing, playing, tickling and just talking. One of the kids was very intense about a process and I lost it. I didn't hurt anyone -- I just stomped out of the room, tossing aside whatever was in my hand -- and realized that behavior is so not me with my grandkids. In talking about it later with Lisa, we realized together that its all because of my frustration and pain. I have an appointment with the surgeon to discuss any options that might be available. The kids shook it off but I called them in the evening to apologize. They are so forgiving.....but then, it wasn't really a big old deal. It just spoke volumes to me. God is good. Children believe in second, third, fifty-ninth chances........

It was a long night of little sleep -- arose finally at 6:05 to Joey's squirming to get outside. I have stayed on track today and feel encouraged by that. Remembering to take my medicine is important and I think I will set the alarm on my cell to remind me. Gotta make these gadgets work to my convenience. Joey is getting a shower and shave today and he will be "all that" when I pick him up. Cockers are so beautiful --

Looking back seems less frequent, but looking ahead has yet to engage without effort. Someone once told me that I live in the past. What's the old saying? Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it? I wouldn't trade a single memory for a chance to rewrite history. I love the old Garth Brooks song "The Dance", as it applies to life in general.

Feeling a little lost at times is not anything to worry about. Feeling alone at times makes me grateful for those times when I am not. Wanting to cherish each day just for what it is -- that is a goal I labor towards. I know that the road is getting shorter, not longer, and anything I can do to make my life meaningful -- that is what I want to do. Even if that means leaving memories for my children to pass along, or an impression on each of my grandkids that they will one day tell to their children's children. Its all about quality now. That is up to me.

Sun is shining, birds are singing, sky is blue -- and it isn't even a fairy tale. Back discomfort is about 50%, so that's progress. This day will only get better. Off to see the kinders show us their stuff!

I've been wanting to do this for some time and at last the day is here. June 2010 is a month of many new beginnings for me and this blog will help me to record some of the things I experience on my journey. The goal is not so much that others will read it but that I will grow within as I learn to live with what is.