Today is the day before Joey's birthday. He will be four tomorrow. He was born exactly on the day Little Ms Murphy died, and I found him in Elk Grove, just as I found Murphy. It is storming tonight, just as it was the night before he was born. His first two years were rough: he has mellowed so much and is a wonderful companion for me. I think he is unsually calm for a cocker spaniel but I think he has adapted to my less active days. He isn't getting fat, so he gets enough exercise chasing raccoons, squirrels and birds in the backyard. He is very different from Murphy. They couldn't be more different. Yet Murphy did and Joey does bring motivation to my day, warmth to my heart and comfort to my soul. Happy birthday, Joe Cocker. May you live long and well. May you have a wonderful life. May we continue to be just what the other needs. My heart is thankful.

Counting my blessings

I guess nesting isn't exclusive to expectant mothers. I am trying to get everything cleaned up and in order, probably because I am feeling much stronger and energized. I power-washed the brick walkway to the house and now will get some sand to sweep between the bricks to stabilize them. I have hired a painter to get the rest of the inside done before Thanksgiving. Those two things are major in that I have wanted to get them done for at least a year. Nothing like a fresh coat of paint to brighten up the house. Just like a fresh new day to brighten my mood. I have food on my table, my house is warm, my friends are close and my family members are healthy. I'm counting my blessings..... which are too many to even realize. Life is good.

Remembering

"Shut out the rest of the world and relive some special moment from your life. A moment when time slowed....when magic seemed real...when you were thinking, 'this must be a dream'. Dream it again. Recall it over and over. Don't worry -- happy memories never wear out." Anonymous

I am blessed with so many memories like this. It's interesting that I couldn't even enumerate them if I had to do so. This quote is a reminder to me, when I'm feeling a bit harried, or scattered, or weak or discontent, that God has blessed me in my life more than I could ever have asked, more than I could ever have dreamed. Dreaming something again keeps it at the forefront of my mind and nourishes me through the day. Memory is nothing to take for granted. Work it, use it, revive it and appreciate it.

Remembering is a gift.

Happy happy birthday, baby

My baby Jennifer is 40 years old today. We have been having some amazing weather in Pacifica and San Francisco this week -- just like the several days before she was born. I was so uncomfortable -- edema, too much weight gain, pregnant and overdue. It was a beautiful afternoon, so Jim grilled some steaks and we had baked potatoes and salad for dinner. I called the doctor and he told me to have a glass of red wine: maybe the contractions would stop. I did, and they didn't. So off we went to San Francisco for a pretty easy natural delivery (only because the anesthetic didn't work) and Jennifer was born in the wee hours of September 28th. Such was the beginning of changes in our lives that we could never have imagined. I'm so proud of Jen and the woman she is. So, happy happy birthday, sweet child o' mine.

Last Grandparents' Day Celebration at School

I grabbed this photo from my daughter's blog page -- it just kind of says it all about Jace. It was taken when he played baseball this summer and got to play catcher. I used to think Jace would need a helmet to get through life, but he seems to have learned how to land better when he crashes!

So, today - with mixed emotions - I graduated from attending Grandparents' Day celebrations for my grandchildren. Jace is the youngest and his event was today. I so loved seeing him in his classroom and watching him take care of us by getting chairs, carrying the game out to the picnic yard and serving us our lunches. Afterwards we returned to the classroom to complete with him an art project the teacher will be sending home later.

There is a huge difference between Kindergarten and First Grade. Jace has matured a lot over the summer and he is somewhat timid in the group setting. The look of relief when we made eye contact was so cute. He was so very sweet, and I have memories from today I will cherish. How fortunate I am to have been there today and to be able to spend so much time with my distant grandkids, as well as those at home.

I am blessed beyond measure when each and all of them give me giant hugs, draw pictures or make cards for me, sing songs or play music for me, eat 3 servings of pasta for me, and best of all, love me to the moon and stars and more.

God is good -- all is right with my world tonight. I have enjoyed and treasured this day.

Future challenges

I had lunch yesterday with a friend who has Parkinson's. He is 60 years old and was diagnosed ten years ago. We had a good time -- laughter and concern was a big part of our time together. He has a wonderful way of looking at life with sort of "gallows humor," my favorite kind. It is fascinating to me to listen as he expresses questions and as he faces a somewhat known future, hoping to get information about how to plan better and more accurately for what lies ahead. He is in the unique position of having no choice but to prepare. He is a man of faith and so I know he will rely on God for strength and help. He has a large family for support emotionally and physically.

I wonder how differently I would live my life if I prepared for what comes my way, instead of responding with typical "deer in the headlights" surprise.

Note to self -- no paper trail

This morning my daughter Lisa was a guest on "Good Morning Sacramento" for a segment filmed at her home. It was about organizational tips for busy Moms. The host of the segment was also named Lisa. The featured guest was Kelli Wilson, an organizational expert who has just released a book on the subject of helping Moms get organized and helping them learn to let go of things that have neither a place in their lives nor in their hearts. Her approach is mental, physical and spiritual. I got to be there for moral support and I thought she was right on target. Lisa's home is beautiful, yet she expresses concern about keeping organized, as do we all.

While listening to Kelli offering supportive advice, both on the air and off, I was startled by the realization that I know all the secrets and I know all the self-examination that is involved. I also realize I have chosen to stagnate in certain areas of my life, including holding on to things that no longer have relevance in my life. I'm not talking about 'things' with genuine sentimental value -- I believe those things are important to maintain continuity between from where I came to where I am going. But there are many superfluous objects that do nothing more than clog my house, my mind and my energy. And when I am no longer here and my daughters have to go through every single piece of paper to be sure there is nothing of value, they will be frustrated by the process and confused at the need to do it.

So my additional challenge will be to start getting through it -- start clearing the way -- start making room for those things in my life that are meant to be with me to allow me to become the person I'm supposed to be.

Note to self: It's never too late to reinvent yourself or your circumstances. Learn to live in the present by first looking back, purging what is of no value, and look forward to the joy and happiness of starting each morning with fresh energy and motivation. Get rid of paper reminders and downsize paper clutter, including magazines, old bills, coupons, idea sheets, recipes and everything else that can be available on-line or in some other form instead of paper. Eliminating a paper trail (or evidence and reminders of past mistakes) will clear the path to independence from material constraints. Lofty goal. Not impossible.

Remembering is a beautiful thing

Today marks the anniversary of the passing of two very special people who left our family on this day, August 12, four years ago and one year ago. Remembering those actual days is painful; remembering who they were is beautiful. I know it can take a lifetime to appreciate all that someone has been in our lives, and even though they are gone, we can continue to learn from them.

I have lived long enough to realize that there are more family members behind me than in front of me. But those who are here provide what I am supposed to have. Every single day I think about how much family means to me. Some days I might feel aggravation; some days I might feel elation. But all days I feel gratitude and love.

It is impossible to perceive how anyone can survive in this world without the love of family and the continuity of memories and experiences. Whether those memories are good or not so good, to me the prospect of having no memories is a catastrophic prospect. There is a quote that goes something like, "God gave us memories so we might have roses in December."

Thank you Bob Derby and Judy Roque for the memories you have left for us to cherish. They help us live, laugh and love. Today.

The sun will come out tomorrow....

I was given two tickets to see "Annie" at the San Mateo Performing Arts Center. Sydney and I went today. What a stellar cast. The lead was an 11 year old (entering 6th grade in the fall) and she was nothing less than fantastic. She's been acting and singing for a few years and is very comfortable on the stage. She emanates confidence and pleasure in doing her role. Kids don't know so much about being afraid or to worry about criticism. There is such sweetness and innocence about them.

Of course the repeating theme is positive thinking. In the play, Annie even teaches that principle to FDR. Its a great way to think: the sun will come out tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a different day. No matter what is going on. You only have to (or get to) experience this day right now. And it has to be experienced fully, for it will never come again.

My first grandson Owen (pictured above) turns 7 tomorrow. He is so smart, so enthusiastic about life. He knows how to live in the moment. I learn from him. Grab the moments. They make up the days.

Happy Birthday, Daddy

Today marks the 100th anniversary of my father's birth. I will celebrate 65 years this October. How much the world has changed since he died at the age of 80. My life has certainly changed -- I'm divorced, retired and an orphan. My sister's profile would state the same.

My daughters are mothers and my grandchildren are thriving, beautiful people. Jennifer was 20 when Grand-Dad died, still in college and wondering what her life would be like. Lisa was 23 and working in a job where she would meet her future husband. So the twenty intervening years have been rich with change, filled with mystery and wonder. He would have loved all the grandkids, but would especially have gotten a kick out of the sense of humor each of them displays. Humor was my Dad's nourishment. And he would have loved their physical abilities, courage and intellect. Thanks for being born. I miss you still.

Remembering with Hope

Today marks the 11th Relay for Life in Pacifica. My friend Zoe was involved from Year #1, and after she lost her battle with breast cancer 2 years later, her family (mother, 3 sisters, 3 nieces) have carried on the effort in her memory and in the memory of and to honor far too many family members and friends. I doubt I know a single person who has not been touched in some way by this horrific disease. One year I counted those my family has lost to cancer, and I stopped myself because the number was far too overwhelming. And I'm not alone in this reality. We all grieve for the loss of those who are gone too soon.

My participation in the event is much less than it was, but I do try to get there each year for at least part of the weekend to support my friends and to reflect for a time and then to look forward to the day when we will walk no more -- cancer will be conquered and eradicated from the earth. People will read about it in history books and it will no longer be a household word. Where is our 'Jonas Salk' for a cancer vaccine?

The Pacifica Relay has in the previous 10 years raised over $1-million for cancer research. The dollars may have been raised a little bit here, a little bit there -- baby steps. But nevertheless, the finish line is reachable, whether you crawl, or walk or run. Believe in Hope. And know that every step toward the goal is as important as the last one. Get your mammograms and colonoscopies, quit smoking, eat more nutritiously, live well and laugh often, and most of all, love.

DId you ever just KNOW something special was about to happen?

In the life of a grandmother, there are many wonderful and amazing moments every time she can be a part of her grandchildren's lives. Looking at their beautiful faces and listening to all their wonderful conversations, watching them develop and grow through no contribution of my own, I am a grandmother of vast pride. I am proud of the children, and I am proud of their parents. Children with confidence and pride are not born, they are nurtured. Children who work hard and continue to work hard in the face of disappointment are not born, they are nurtured.

One of my life's little treasures is being present to see my grandchildren achieve success in what they desire. It can be a completed perfect spelling test, a confident performance at a school variety show, making a beautiful handmade card for someone they love, a triple in a baseball game that brings home 3 runners, scoring 5 goals in a soccer game, a trip away from home to camp for a week with new friends to be made. Or, it can be a soccer game where one of them succeeds to her heart's most lofty intention -- scoring a goal that ties the game -- seeing her own hard work come to fruition at a special moment.

And sometimes, a grandmother just "knows" something special is going to happen. All she has to do is pay attention every day to the little miracles around her and expect to find beauty, courage and success by living in the moment. Wow. I'm so blessed.

Dog is God spelled backwards

I admit it: I'm obsessive about my dog, Joey. Some people tease me by telling me that I treat him like a person. Like, when he's sick, I take him to the doctor. Like, when he's hungry, I get him some food. Like, when he needs water, I get water for him. I like to spend time with Joey. He is my buddy, and he shares my day.

Evidently he likes to share much more. Yesterday he managed to get to some medication I dropped before I could pick it up. Poison control advised immediate attention at the veterinary hospital. I won't go into it, but Joey went through a terrible ordeal over the next 24 hours involving charcoal, epicac and needles. The ordeal didn't end when we got home. My awareness that my back issues prevent me from taking care of Joey under some circumstances hit home yesterday. I was feeling quite overwhelmed with the notion of administering more of this charcoal solution at 11:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m. the next morning. Lifting him is one thing; controlling his strength is another.

The old saying "Dog is God spelled backwards" went through my mind, and I thought, well, God loves this dog as much as I do and He will provide what is needed for Joey's care. And he did in the form of Sue, a person who just happened to be at the vet's office when I picked Joey up and was perfectly able to give Joey his medication by coming to the house at 11:00 p.m. And so I believe that old saying, more now than ever before. And I believe that God listens when we call and opens our hearts to hear and accept His solutions. My grateful heart and my grateful dog say Thanks.

Forty-three isn't old if you're a tree

And 43 isn't old if you are my oldest daughter. Remembering this day in 1967 -- Lisa's birth -- brings wondrous happy memories. I was 21 years old and thought I knew it all. In fact, I knew very little. And wouldn't you know it? All these years later, Lisa is right more often than I am. (Could it be I set her up? I'd like to think so, but the truth is she is really smart.) She grabbed ahold of my heart from the very first moment and my life was forever changed. In a good way. In a blessed way. In the right way. Thank God for sending her, exactly as she was and is. Love you, little one.

Here a pill, there a pill, everywhere a pill pill

My insurance company recently converted my prescription processing to refills by mail, with a daunting 90-day supply of each medication for only $10 each. They do this with "maintenance" drugs (the ones that you take every day to stay healthy or alive), so while it is very economical and efficient to do this, it may be kind of critical to keep track of everything. With the final acknowledgement of a few concentration issues, this process overwhelms me.

Since living in California means the constant possibility of earthquakes, and being the fine citizen that I am who listens to the experts, I finally decided about 2 months ago that I should have emergency supplies of my meds. So I have some in my car (with the requisite changes of undies, peanut butter, bottles of water and dog food for Joey), some in my place at Elk Grove, and some here.

The refill notice came the other day and when I noticed the refills would happen on July 13th, I counted my remaining supply and panicked, having forgotten about my stashes. Of course the call to the insurance company left me feeling like a junkie, having been interrogated and reprimanded for not keeping better track of my pills. Hell, I can't even keep track of my glasses (on top of my head). This is a huge responsibility for someone like me. After painstaking searching, I managed to account for all the medication I should have. But same lesson comes through -- its all about focus. Pay attention. Live today. Be here now. And it might not hurt to ask St. Anthony for a little help.

Meltdowns aren't just for kids anymore

Meldowns aren't just for kids anymore -- sometimes freezers and women have them too.

Plans for a simple, quiet weekend were altered when on Saturday morning, after returning from the Memorial Service for a friend, I found my freezer failed. Of course I had a boatload of frozen food (first time in years) and moved it over to the refrigerator side in hopes of salvaging most of it. Lo and behold, when you have a side-by-side, when one side goes, so does the other. A friend stopped by and checked it out. He suggested I consider a new fridge, after I had called a service company and gotten an estimate of between $300-$400 to possibly get it repaired. I discovered this early enough in the day to run to the nearest home improvement store and get a good deal on a replacement, for delivery on Sunday. That was a great stroke of luck. By the time I got home, all the food was room temperature, so into the trash it went. This is just life, but my fridge was only 7 years old. The one I'd had before lasted 17 years. Huh.

Next came attempted installation of a used replacement microwave, which didn't work out. The mounting bracket couldn't be adapted to fit. Back to the home improvement store to buy a new microwave. In every respect it made sense to get a brand new one with all the latest technology and possible longevity. It was installed post-haste and by late afternoon I could microwave popcorn! Whew! Thanks to Guy, all is well in the microwave department.

By that afternoon, I was blown out. Stress was building, pain was exhausting and there was too much chaos happening around me. I had lost all patience with myself and everyone around me. Sadness was a part of it, having learned on Saturday that my cousin Mary is in the final stages of her cancer. I had hoped to see her, but I completely understand that she has chosen privacy for this time in her life. There is no more time for silly recollections nor catching up on the past 15 years....just time for Mary to find peace. Mary is the youngest of my Aunt Minnie's children and 10 years older than me. Enter the reality that our days are numbered. Again, the same old refrain -- be here now.

After apologizing for my meltdown (just tearful inability to speak), all is better. Understanding and compassion is all I needed that afternoon. And it was there for me. A hug from a couple of friends, and a kind word of understanding, and life is good again. I'm ready to face the day. I slept all night, and the sun is shining brightly. Perfection!

I posted this card on my facebook to celebrate the first day of summer. In my town, summer is often bleak and gray. Lately the sun has been playing hide & seek behind the fog. The beach was loaded on Saturday with surfers in wetsuits who don't care about the sunshine, just the waves. Some days no waves come along; other days, the waves break too late and there is no ride at all. Back to the same old idea: roll with it.

Okay, so, the last few days have been challenging. A trip to the surgeon produced little encouraging information, but there will be another MRI of my spine to see if anything has changed. He doesn't think that based on the kind of pain I have, surgery would be helpful enough to outweigh the possible risks of surgery. But further evaluation will tell. This just may be something that will have to be managed with medication and mild exercise, such as walking, along with 3 or 4 epidural injections a year. I am trying to get my head around this information but have not done so as yet. ;-) On the upside, my personal challenge is producing good results. I have waivered very little and am proud of myself for this commitment. Another ;-) for me.

Recycling

Traveling back and forth is kind of fun. When I get to Pacifica, there is always a ton of recycling in my real mailbox. When I get to Margaritaville, there is never much mail at all except for newspaper advertisements, and into the recycling basket they go. So as I'm opening mail and tossing envelopes into the Recycle stash, I wonder sometimes if the traveling back and forth using gas and oil sort of obliterates the benefit of recycling the paper. It may be no more than a tiny step in the right direction, but it is a step. Baby steps, baby steps. And I think that taking those steps with honorable intentions has got to be a positive thing. Obviously this relates to a bigger picture. But I know what it means, and that is more than a baby step. Its a leap!

Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. That's just the way life is.

I admit to myself how lucky I am that my physical issues only involve pain and not anything life-threatening. Both my Mom and Dad had osteo-arthritis in their backs and endured pain from which there was no relief from medication available at the time. Both were diagnosed early in their lives in their mid-30's. To have reached the ripe old age of 64 before it really began to be constant makes me fortunate.

There was a little episode yesterday while the grandkids and I were making cards, after a really good few hours of laughing, playing, tickling and just talking. One of the kids was very intense about a process and I lost it. I didn't hurt anyone -- I just stomped out of the room, tossing aside whatever was in my hand -- and realized that behavior is so not me with my grandkids. In talking about it later with Lisa, we realized together that its all because of my frustration and pain. I have an appointment with the surgeon to discuss any options that might be available. The kids shook it off but I called them in the evening to apologize. They are so forgiving.....but then, it wasn't really a big old deal. It just spoke volumes to me. God is good. Children believe in second, third, fifty-ninth chances........

It was a long night of little sleep -- arose finally at 6:05 to Joey's squirming to get outside. I have stayed on track today and feel encouraged by that. Remembering to take my medicine is important and I think I will set the alarm on my cell to remind me. Gotta make these gadgets work to my convenience. Joey is getting a shower and shave today and he will be "all that" when I pick him up. Cockers are so beautiful --

Looking back seems less frequent, but looking ahead has yet to engage without effort. Someone once told me that I live in the past. What's the old saying? Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it? I wouldn't trade a single memory for a chance to rewrite history. I love the old Garth Brooks song "The Dance", as it applies to life in general.

Feeling a little lost at times is not anything to worry about. Feeling alone at times makes me grateful for those times when I am not. Wanting to cherish each day just for what it is -- that is a goal I labor towards. I know that the road is getting shorter, not longer, and anything I can do to make my life meaningful -- that is what I want to do. Even if that means leaving memories for my children to pass along, or an impression on each of my grandkids that they will one day tell to their children's children. Its all about quality now. That is up to me.

Sun is shining, birds are singing, sky is blue -- and it isn't even a fairy tale. Back discomfort is about 50%, so that's progress. This day will only get better. Off to see the kinders show us their stuff!

I've been wanting to do this for some time and at last the day is here. June 2010 is a month of many new beginnings for me and this blog will help me to record some of the things I experience on my journey. The goal is not so much that others will read it but that I will grow within as I learn to live with what is.